c.o.n.f.e.s.s.i.o.n.

i miss being at Hampshire.
ahem. Correction: I miss being at college.
living at home again is trying.
having my mom bugging me
every second about where
i've been and what i'm doing.
having too much free time
on my hands.
having to live with people
who monitor and judge
my behavior.

I just miss the freedom
of being on my own, I guess,
even if that sense of freedom
was false in the sense
that I was still almost completely dependent
on my parents financially.
but still, some sliver of
adulthood was there.

now i feel like it's right back to
the cradle, or at least
the training pants.

but then again,
maybe it's not something
i can blame on my surrounding
circumstances
family.

maybe it's me.

maybe I'm just to scared
to truly be on my own.
maybe deep down I don't
want to leave home.

and maybe deep down that's okay,
because i don't think any of us
really want to leave our home,
most of us just don't know
where that home is.
Maybe this "home" that I'm
in now isn't really the home
I yearn for when i'm all alone
late at night
with only my laptop as distraction.
(it's a pretty amazing distraction, though,
don't get me wrong, i can forget a lot of things
when I sit down at this machine)

but, really, I mean we used to live
in tribes right?
we used to be surrounded by our extended family
by all our friends
our elders
our brother
our sisters
our cousins
our community
and we never left.
and it doesn't seem like those
people were nearly as unhappy
as we are.