more from Still Life with Woodpecker

"nothing is implied here. Except the possibility that everything is connected."

"those who shun the whimsy of things will experience rigor mortis before death."

"Equality is not in regarding different things similarly, equality is in regarding different things differently."

"Don't let yourself be victimized by the age you live in. It's not the times that will bring us down, any more than it's society. When you put the blame on society, then you end up turning to society for the solution. Just like those poor neurotics at the Care Fest. There's a tendency today to absolve individuals of moral responsibility and treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your soul . . . What limits people is lack of character. What limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star in their own movie, let alone direct it."

"Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. the most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free."

{}

people always take photos of flowers, but not their stems.

holy sex

emotional release isn't ever an easy thing.
finding out you were your stepmom's and your mother's mother in a past life on a sunny Sunday isn't always easy.
balancing long-term goals with short-term sanity isn't always easy.
deciding where, when, if, and how you want to go to college isn't always easy.
learning about yourself isn't always easy.
de-programming yourself isn't always easy.
exploring your past isn't always easy.


basically,
livin' ain't always easy.

but, on the other hand,
i am alive.
so,
there's
that.

tom robbins summarizes my feelings on sex exactly. begin.

from Still Life with Woodpecker:

"There is lovemaking that is bad for a person, just as there is eating that is bad. That boysenberry cream pie from the Thrift-E Mart may appear inviting, may, in fact, cause all nine hundred taste buds to carol from the tongue, but in the end, the sugars, the additives, the empty calories clog arteries, disrupt cells, generate fat, and rot teeth. . . Every nutritious sexual recipe calls for at least a pinch of love, and the fucks that rate four-star rankings from both gourmets and health-food nuts use cupfuls. Not that sex should be regarded as therapeutic or to be taken for medicinal purposes -- only a dullard would hang such a millstone around the nibbled neck of a lay-- but to approach sex carelessly, shallowly, with detachment and without warmth is to dine night after night in erotic greasy spoons. In time, one's palate will become insensitive, one will suffer (without knowing it) emotional malnutrition, the skin of the soul will fester with scurvy, the teeth of the heart will decay. Neither duration nor proclamation of commitment is necessarily the measure-- there are ephemeral explosions of passion between strangers that make more erotic sense than many lengthy marriages, there are one-night stands in Jersey City more glorious than six-months affairs in Paris-- but finally there is a commitment, however brief; a purity, however threatened; a vulnerability, however concealed; a generosity of spirit, however marbled with need; an honest caring, however singed by lust, that must be present if couplings are to be salubrious and not slow poison."

my year is slowly coming together. . . .
wowza.

leave for dad's on friday . . . . avett brothers. . . . back on 27th . . . . move into apartment. . . work work work til shakespeare. . . summer lovin' w/ hannah and anna and anna . . . apply to colleges . . . go visit nicole in asheville . . . shakespeare in the park! . . . travel the country in the fall: up the east coast, austin city limits, ohio, wherever WWOOF takes me . . . . I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

i love figs

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet." (Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar)

This is my life right now.
This is my mind right now.
There are so many possibilities that I have no idea where to begin.
No idea what to do.
No idea what I want.
Except a sense of peace.
A sense of self-acceptance.
I'm tired of trying so hard.
I'm tired of being tired.

I realize that this blog has turned into a place of self-pity and whiny-ness.
That was not my original intention.
But I guess this is sort of what I need right now.
A place to vent and whine and pout for a few minutes.

It's weird, Carone keeps calling me, and it's super flattering, but I just have no desire to go over there. I know if I go over there I'll just put so much pressure on myself to perform, to be hot and sexy and good. I won't enjoy it. I'll just be worrying too much about what he thinks of me. Then the dilemma is, do I go over and just not worry about it? Or do I make up some excuse? And then worry about that. I'm sick of worrying. I'm sick of feeling unworthy.

When I envision my ideal self, what do I see?
I don't know anymore . . . .
I definitely need to get out of my bubble.
I need to go somewhere I've never been
and do something I never do
and do physical labor to help others.
Do something for someone other than myself
and my stupid narcissistic ego.
Because in helping others,
I will help myself.
In truly loving others,
I will love myself.
In truly forgiving others,
I will forgive myself.

SHIT!

I don't remember what I was gonna post about!

oh, well, I'm done wallowing.

FOR GOOD!

day old blues

does it ever really stop hurting?



p.s. i'm really worried about you.

does the moon have a purpose? she inquired of Prince Charming

"Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself or not

Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has a beginning and end.

Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.

Ther is only on serious question. And that is:

Who knows how to make love stay?

Answer me that and I will tell you whether or not to kill yourself.

Answer me that and I will ease your mind about the beginning and the end of time.

Answer me that and I will reveal to you the purpose of the moon."

-Tom Robbins, Still Life With Woodpecker

still . . .

feel like i'm going to throw up.
i have never felt so guilty, and awful, and thankful, and loving all at once.
i somehow got so off course from what I originally intended to do when I came back home.
And how could i get so off course? How could i forget who my true friends were? How could I forget about the feelings of people closest to me? How could I give up my own true self just to try and please other people?
Time to start over. Fresh.
Maybe that'll be my whole life. Just starting over and over and trying again and again.
But I don't want to ever stop trying.
Thank you for somehow, through all your hurt, believing in me.
Now I just need to believe in myself.

dr. dog helps.



i don't wanna go back to my old ways again.
i want to move forward.

i must believe in people

despite everything.

because if I don't believe in anyone else, there's no way I'll ever believe in myself.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

MOTHER THERESA