“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”

— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

man, sometimes Nietzsche's really got my back.

thanks, man.

breathing comes easier when I listen to her

she is a china doll!

proof

remember that play?
the movie was made with Gwyneth Paltrow and Anthony Hopkins and Jake Gyllenhaal?

Yeah, I feel like Gwyneth Paltrow's character in that movie.
except for I'm not a mathematical genius (although I often wish I were*).
She spent her days in bed reading cosmopolitan.
I spend my days in bed watching Curb Your Enthusiasm or reading stupid personal development blogs and compulsively collecting inspiring quotes, which somehow never manage to inspire me enough to actually get up off my ass and do something.
She hated breakfast.
I hate breakfast.
She is** similar to her father in many ways.
I am similar to my father in many ways. (Mostly unfortunate traits like excessive procrastination, excessive piling, chubby oblong cheeks, -- although a few good ones are tossed in there kind of like the raisins and bits of feta cheese in an otherwise really boring salad.)

In conclusion, I'm really tired of being depressed. But I also vehemently don't want to go back on my medication, not only because it gave me night sweats but also because it really didn't do that much good.

I woke up this morning and after a drab day yesterday, I felt all bubbly and energetic and went to yoga and was feeling excellent and chipper and then -- oh yeah, i remembered I drank a cup of coffee this morning. It was the caffeine. Not my natural endorphins flooding my brain. I wish.

But then it got me to thinking, is everything just a chemical reaction? Is every feeling just chemistry?? I know there have been lots of studies done about how happiness is all about chemicals and depression is often due to a chemical imbalance blah blah blah but is that true for every emotion? For love? Grief? Hatred? are these feelings also dictated by neurons and receptors and chains of rna or dna or whatever? It's kind of interesting to ponder.

I'll probably ponder it more today. So far no conclusions worthy of sharing with anyone other than my cat. The only definite conclusion I can give today is that I feel like my life right now is like a lego tower. You know, how you play with Legos and you start out with this goal in mind, maybe it's kind of fuzzy but it's definitely something really big and cool and intricate like a ship or a castle or a life-size-version of yourself? But then you start building and building away and soon enough you've built yourself into a bind and you can't add on anymore Legos except for maybe on the bottom and your stuck with this misshappen lump of plastic blocks. And it's nothing. So you start trying to take some off but the Legos (those little bastards) are really small and notched together tightly and they won't come unstuck! I feel like I've gotten to that point, where I can't really build anymore but I can't rid of anything either. I'm stuck with what I've got and I can't see where to go next. Legos, man.

*[tangent: i wish i were an oscar mayer weeeeeeeiner. that is what i truly want to beeeeee. if i were an oscar mayer weeeeeiner. everyone would be in love with meeeeeee. ]

**i'm switching back and forth between tenses here, sorry. when talking about a fictional character should one use the past or the present tense?? i don't know.

today i am really sad

From- Dr. Dog

sing me swing me
into the scoop of
your mouthed mountains
gaping
tongue draping
velveteen and plush
and pulse pulse pulse
the throb of the birdsong
canoes me away
through this mire
of abundance.

my tooth
aches deeper
than the cave
we climbed into
that day
after the day
with the lilacs and
the missing scotch
and the tulip bulbs.

my skin slimyslick like a crocodile heavy like layers and layers
of fish scales. maybe i'll just type myself away into skeletal infinity.

because you know i've heard of the peace that descends when your bones start to rot is not unlike the pleasurable sensation of meditating on warm concrete.

i've heard that when your teeth fall out you no longer have to bother with chewing and that when your feet fall off you no longer have to bother with walking

and don't you hope when you die --
when you honest to god die die die
(it's impossible to imagine to, don't even try)--
don't you hope that you'll just get to float around
in an infinite gravity machine and never bother again?

making a mix tape is like writing a letter

i've tried to write letters, but somehow they always turn into a compilation of songs. Sometimes it's hard to trust your own poetic ability, especially when confined to the world of lines and letters. Sometimes you have to steal and cut and paste and mish-mash everything together and somehow hope it makes sense, without being too obvious but also without being pretentiously vague. As John Cusack in High Fidelity puts it:

Now, the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art. Many do's and don'ts. First of all you're using someone else's poetry to express how you feel. This is a delicate thing.

So, I shall start posting occasionally compilations that I find particularly expressive and articulate, especially when it comes to carrying out a complete them from start to finish. The first: A salute to the brilliant Hannah Fletcher, who inspired me to make my first mix tape (which was actually on a tape! yeah!). This is the mix she made me for my high school graduation.

CAITLIN'S AWESOME NEW ADULT LIFE MIX
1. Hell Yes - Beck
i like your bass. your beat is nice.
2. Gone Daddy Gone - Gnarls Barkley
where she is now i can only guess
3. Do the Whirlwind - Architecture in Helsinki
at least be confused about right and wrong
4. Why Don't We Do It in the Road - The Beatles
why don't we do it in the road? no one will be watching us
5. Let it all Hang Out- The Hombres
nobody knows what it's all about, it's too much man let it all hang out
6. Shout Your Lungs Out - The Beets
you gotta rock your socks you gotta roll your soul
7. Shake Your Tail Feather - Blues Brothers & Ray Charles
the shingaling's the thing tonight
8. Whip It - Devo
crack that whip/give the past the slip
9. Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games - Of Montreal
let's pretend we don't exist (let's pretend we're in Antarctica)
10. Satan Said Dance - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!
My head turns white and my face is green
But my feet are still moving if you know what I mean
11. Crystal Cat - Dan Deacon
gonna get my pile of stone/gonna get my men into rows
12. The Two Sides of Monsieur Valentine - Spoon
every morning I got a new chance
13. Misunderstood - Wilco
There's a fortune inside your head
All you touch turns to lead
You think you might just crawl back in bed
The fortune inside your head
14. Where is My Mind - The Pixies
your head will collapse when there's nothing in it
(and you'll ask: where is my mind??)
15. Changes - David Bowie
still don't know what I was waiting for and my time was running wild
16. Don't Be Scared - Andrew Bird
don't believe you're all alone
17. Jogging Gorgeous Summer - Islands
millions of sunsets but the one I remember
is the one when you told me you'd love me forever
18. Hey Baby Boy - Film Dialogue
watcha thinkin'?
19. Take Your Carriage Clock and Shove It - Belle & Sebastian
honor forbids me but honor be damned
20. The Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie
if you've got an impulse let it out
but they never make it past my mouth
21. Baba O'Riley - The Who
Let's get together before we get much older.
It's only teenage wasteland.
22. Woman King - Iron & Wine
someday we may see a woman king

[this mix has served as my daily soundtrack for the last two weeks. The first half energizes me in the morning as I drive to work, waking up to the day. By the time I get in the car in the evening I am ready to melt into Wraith Pinned to the Mist and pretend I don't exist while smoking cigarettes and listening to Wilco. And then somehow "Where is My Mind?" always seems to come on at the opportune moment, as I drive around after a night of whatever crazy shenanigans I managed to get myself in and I crash around for a while, thinking about life and feeling good and crowning myself woman king. It's been rather ideal.]