proof

remember that play?
the movie was made with Gwyneth Paltrow and Anthony Hopkins and Jake Gyllenhaal?

Yeah, I feel like Gwyneth Paltrow's character in that movie.
except for I'm not a mathematical genius (although I often wish I were*).
She spent her days in bed reading cosmopolitan.
I spend my days in bed watching Curb Your Enthusiasm or reading stupid personal development blogs and compulsively collecting inspiring quotes, which somehow never manage to inspire me enough to actually get up off my ass and do something.
She hated breakfast.
I hate breakfast.
She is** similar to her father in many ways.
I am similar to my father in many ways. (Mostly unfortunate traits like excessive procrastination, excessive piling, chubby oblong cheeks, -- although a few good ones are tossed in there kind of like the raisins and bits of feta cheese in an otherwise really boring salad.)

In conclusion, I'm really tired of being depressed. But I also vehemently don't want to go back on my medication, not only because it gave me night sweats but also because it really didn't do that much good.

I woke up this morning and after a drab day yesterday, I felt all bubbly and energetic and went to yoga and was feeling excellent and chipper and then -- oh yeah, i remembered I drank a cup of coffee this morning. It was the caffeine. Not my natural endorphins flooding my brain. I wish.

But then it got me to thinking, is everything just a chemical reaction? Is every feeling just chemistry?? I know there have been lots of studies done about how happiness is all about chemicals and depression is often due to a chemical imbalance blah blah blah but is that true for every emotion? For love? Grief? Hatred? are these feelings also dictated by neurons and receptors and chains of rna or dna or whatever? It's kind of interesting to ponder.

I'll probably ponder it more today. So far no conclusions worthy of sharing with anyone other than my cat. The only definite conclusion I can give today is that I feel like my life right now is like a lego tower. You know, how you play with Legos and you start out with this goal in mind, maybe it's kind of fuzzy but it's definitely something really big and cool and intricate like a ship or a castle or a life-size-version of yourself? But then you start building and building away and soon enough you've built yourself into a bind and you can't add on anymore Legos except for maybe on the bottom and your stuck with this misshappen lump of plastic blocks. And it's nothing. So you start trying to take some off but the Legos (those little bastards) are really small and notched together tightly and they won't come unstuck! I feel like I've gotten to that point, where I can't really build anymore but I can't rid of anything either. I'm stuck with what I've got and I can't see where to go next. Legos, man.

*[tangent: i wish i were an oscar mayer weeeeeeeiner. that is what i truly want to beeeeee. if i were an oscar mayer weeeeeiner. everyone would be in love with meeeeeee. ]

**i'm switching back and forth between tenses here, sorry. when talking about a fictional character should one use the past or the present tense?? i don't know.