and yet. . . .

I don't know how to do things. I don't know how to accomplish things, or, more specifically, complete things. I am forever writing down my daily thoughts, ideas, goals, book recommendations on endless slips of paper and yet . . . . .

I am endlessly dreaming of writing, drawing, working on creative projects, writing papers, making music, the days when I will do all these things and yet. . . . .

I think at least three times a week of all the places I long to travel to, everything I long to do, the walk across england I long to take, the experiences I dream of having and yet. . . . .

I am a flurry of tightly wound, anxious energy that dissipates into ellipses before even reaching my fingertips. . . .

and yet. . . .

I dream of the day when all this anxiety, and over-thought will cease, when the tension will melt from my shoulders, when I will write every day, and challenge my brain to truly think every day, and when i will run with ease over the rolling hills of my landscape, and yet. . . .

that day continues to elude me.

Whether this is of my own doing, or simply a pipe dream, I do not know.

there is only uncertainty. i must accept this.

and yet. . . .

"the opposite of a great truth is also a great truth"

may my heart always be open to little by e.e. cummings

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

the lesson of the moth by Don Marquis\

i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter

it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves.

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself