it's starting to rain

just a bit at first. then more and more and more.
i was standing outside with my big fat headphones with the long cord snaked around my body, sweatpants and all (it was too cold to be naked). listening to "heroin."
i think i want to study anthropology.
i want to learn about all the different cultures that have populated this earth over the span of human existence.
i want to understand why we are where we are.
it's like history but not just the history of our culture.
the history of ALL humans.
i want to be able to teach people that there are so many different ways to live, that our mad search for the one right way is just that, mad. an insane, futile whirlwind.
i want to be able to lose myself entirely in the moment, and i think i finally understand what that means for me: to be able to forget that "I" exist. To lose all self-consciousness. To be only my body and not my mind. To not think about what i am doing (i.e. "I am dancing in the rain to the velvet underground.") but instead just to do. to literally LOSE myself.
I DON'T WANT TO EXIST.
i am tired of wearing earrings.
i am tired of wearing clothes.
i am tired of my overactive and hyper-self-conscious mind obscuring my perception of the world.
i am tired of all those things but suddenly i am not tired of being alive.
i am inspirgized.
energized by inspiration.
by breathing in the cool air.
by the spindly silhouettes of the tree branches, opening from trunk to tips like a vase.
by the silence of absorbtion.
by the absence of distraction.
feel closely.
release all the miniscule muscles in your face.
feel you forehead decompress.
feel your nostrils release.
feel your eyebrows un-arch, your jaw un-clench.
let your body be queen for a day, a moment, all time.
let your eyes blink and your heart beat and don't stop to think.
that might be the worst advice, to stop and think.
don't stop. don't think.
just feel the rain on your cheek.