dammit mammit

2010-03-01T17:27:00.003-05:00

so obviously I never got around to keeping a food diary focusing on local foods. homework, facebook, girls, boys, npr, the daily show/colbert report, work got the better of me. but basically - all of the food in my house on a regular basis comes from far far away and doesn't generally taste very good.

Grapes from Chile

Clif Bars from California

Spinach from California

Almonds from California

Kroger products from Cincinnatti (who knows where they are actually from before they get distributed from Cinncinnati - i don't know how to spell this haha)

Bananas from Ecuador

Apples (out of season) from Washington

Cheese from New York and Vermont

I don't think I could find one thing in my house that's grown and produced locally.

Wow.

I shouldn't be surprised, but once you start paying attention it really sort of knocks the wind out of you.

So this spring/summer is going to revolve around me trying to join a CASA and buy vegetables and fruits from them, going to lots of U-Pick places and picking TONS of fruit, working on farms in the surrounding area, learning how to store/can/freeze produce form the summer so I can eat it throughout the winter.

Where does my food come from?

2010-02-10T17:03:00.004-05:00

Last week I started reading Barbara Kingsolver's memoir-ish Animal, Vegetable, Miracle which is an account of her family's move to Appalaicha and the year they spent trying to eat only local food that had been grown and produced in their own county. Even after finishing only the first quarter of the book, I have been struck with the urge to find out where my food comes from, in every sense. As grocery-store oriented as we are, we tend to think that food comes from the grocery store, forgetting that it actually grows. Yeah, really! Like, in the dirt. And we tend to forget that foods come in seasons. Grapes for example. Yesterday I came home and there was a bowl of grapes in the fridge. It's February and I live in Tennessee. There are also avocadoes, raisins, apples, peppers, and spinach in my fridge. I'm pretty sure avocados don't grow here, and I know for sure that it's not apple or pepper season. I have suddenly become almost self-conscious of the fact that I - me- a person who likes to think of herself as environmentally, socially, politically, economically aware, a person who likes to think of herself as intelligent and thoughtful doesn't know where her food comes from. I don't know where it comes from, how it's grown, how it's harvested, when it's in season, who picked it, how far it traveled to get here. . . granted I know basic things like apples grow in the fall and strawberries come in the summer but the number of things I don't know outweigh the things I do.

So, so, so.

I've decided something.

I've decided that just for the next week I am going to keep track of everything I eat. Not for dieting or calorie-counting purposes, but to find out where my food comes from. I am going to keep track of:

-where it was grown

-where it was processed/packaged/produced/shipped from

-how many miles away from me that is

-ingredients and where those all were grown and came from

-HOW certain food is grown, and where it is most abundant

-is it in season?

-price

-deliciousness (taste factor)

-packaging (cardboard box, plastic wrapping, etc.)

My goal is twofold: to educate myself, and to see if eating only locally and in season would be less expensive than my household's current food costs.

Bon Apetit. Aren't fossil fuels yummmmmmy? :)

and yet. . . .

2009-10-25T23:46:00.003-04:00

I don't know how to do things. I don't know how to accomplish things, or, more specifically, complete things. I am forever writing down my daily thoughts, ideas, goals, book recommendations on endless slips of paper and yet . . . . .

I am endlessly dreaming of writing, drawing, working on creative projects, writing papers, making music, the days when I will do all these things and yet. . . . .

I think at least three times a week of all the places I long to travel to, everything I long to do, the walk across england I long to take, the experiences I dream of having and yet. . . . .

I am a flurry of tightly wound, anxious energy that dissipates into ellipses before even reaching my fingertips. . . .

and yet. . . .

I dream of the day when all this anxiety, and over-thought will cease, when the tension will melt from my shoulders, when I will write every day, and challenge my brain to truly think every day, and when i will run with ease over the rolling hills of my landscape, and yet. . . .

that day continues to elude me.

Whether this is of my own doing, or simply a pipe dream, I do not know.

there is only uncertainty. i must accept this.

and yet. . . .

"the opposite of a great truth is also a great truth"

may my heart always be open to little by e.e. cummings

2009-10-11T23:00:00.000-04:00

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

the lesson of the moth by Don Marquis\

2009-10-11T13:08:00.003-04:00

i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter

it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves.

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself

sept. 2nd: mihaly csikszentimihalyisetp

2009-09-02T18:42:00.003-04:00

is my favorite.

I'm reading his book "Creativity: Flow and the Psychology of Discovery and Invention"

It makes me appreciate my talents. And also wish I was a genius.

But I know I'm not, because I think that to be a genius you can't be aware of your own genius.

Basically, his book is about "how to find purpose and enjoyment in the chaos of existence."
How awesome of a thesis statement is that.

good words of sept. 2:
minstrel, profit, voyeur, segment, monastic, infinitude, spatiotemporal

good people to possibly marry:
sam phillips, david corlew

inspirational quote for sept. 2:
"Well, I think probably sex and songs. If I was asked to reduce it to what keeps me going, I think that the creative instinct is fed by sex and music. Without them I think that you would wither, pretty much."

playlist: september 1st

2009-09-01T15:15:00.003-04:00

1. Virgo Clowns- Van Morrison

Sit down funny face
Let your laughter fill the room
Light up your golden smile
Take away all your misery and gloom
Let your laughter fill the room
Let your laughter fill the room

2. Distraction #75- The Avett Brothers

So give me a try at describing just how difficult it is.
When you kinda love two girls to figure out which one you miss.
Stumble away from your stairway with your perfume on my clothes.
Well I kinda loved two girls but now I've kinda lost 'em both.

3. Here Comes the Sun - Nina Simone

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

4. The Birds and the Bees - Patrick and Eugene

if God has a freaky British-indie sense humour, this song will be playing during the apocalypse.
also, lead singer = Hagrid

5. I Got the Feelin' - James Brown

i got the feelin' oh baby baby I got the feelin'!

6. Never Going Back Again - Fleetwood Mac
(written by Lindsey Buckingham)

i'm gonna miss this!

2009-08-24T16:03:00.004-04:00

but I am so SO grateful and so incredibly proud to have been involved in such a joyous show and such a great ensemble. My life has been changed FO' SHO : )

2009-08-24T12:52:00.001-04:00

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster. Your life will never be the same again.
- Og Mandino

i want this to be me

2009-08-24T12:33:00.001-04:00

i'm reading again. . .

2009-07-01T16:49:00.002-04:00

on a regular basis. it's wonderful! I'm re-reading Anne Bogart's A Director Prepares: Seven Essays on Art and Theatre. There are two many choice quotes, insights, and pieces of advice to write them all down, I'll just have to hope my tiny brain absorbs as many as possible! But here are a few I found in just the first few pages.

One has only to read, to look, to listen, to remember

(Virginia Woolf)

"Reality depends upon our choices of what and how we choose to observe."

Examine for a moment an ordinary mind on an ordinary day. The mind receives a myriad impressions -- trivial, fantastic, evanescent, or engraved with the sharpness of steel. From all sides they come, an incessant shower of innumerable atoms; and as they fall, as they shape themselves into the life of Monday or Tuesday, the accent falls differently from of old; the moment of importance came not here but there.

(Virginia Woolf)

. . . . and more to come!

Janis

2009-07-01T16:20:00.004-04:00

Un-pop-cultured as I am, until about a month ago I knew next to nothing about Janis Joplin. Then my lovely director, Brenda Sparks, for this summer's Nashville Shakespeare Festival production of Taming of the Shrew, mentioned that she was seeing Kate as sort of a Janis Joplin to Bianca's Goldie Hawn (we're setting it in the late sixties). So off I set to embark on some research of Janis. And, honestly, she's kind of knocked the wind out of me. I just finished a biography of her called Sweet Scars of Paradise by Alice Echols which, DESPITE IT'S CLICHE TITLE, was absolutely engrossing. Janis's complexity was not diminished in anyway (and if you think she wasn't complex, think again, 'cause we all are). I identified with Janis, admired Janis, hated Janis, rooted for Janis, misunderstood Janis. It would be hard for any young woman NOT to identify with Janis, she was one of the first female celebrities who didn't mask her issues, but instead bared and sometimes flaunted them. She was so insecure, worrying until the day she died that one day everyone would find out she was an imposter, that she couldn't sing. She fucked right and left in her manic desire to be loved and accepted, despite her not-so-great looks. She felt lonely even in the midst of huge success and acknowledgement of her talent. I just couldn't believe how much I related to her, how I found myself thinking, "i've done that! I do that! It's fucked up but it's not just me!"

Suffice it to say, she is providing a lot of inspiration for me this summer, both personally and "in the world of the play" as they say :) And this version of "Cry Baby" kicks ass.

2009-06-21T20:28:00.002-04:00

A 33-year-old Egyptian man, who currently sleeps in the parks of Milan, eats in charity kitches, and occasionally washes dishes for restaurants whenever he needs some cash testifies to the happiness of his life:

After the War of 1967 I decided to leave Egypt and start hitchhiking toward Europe. Ever since I have been living with my mind concentrated within myself. It has not been just a trip, it has been a search for identity. Every man has something to discover within himself. The people in my town were sure I was crazy when I decided to start walking to Europe. But the best thing in life is to know oneself. . . My idea from 1967on has remained the same: to find myself. I had to struggle against many things. I passed through Lebanon and its war, through Syria, Jordan, Turkey, Yugoslavia, before getting here. I had to confront all sorts of natural disasters; I slept in ditches near the road in thunderstorms, I was involved in accidents, I have seen friends die next to me, but my concentration has never flagged. . . It has been an adventure that so far has lasted twenty years, but it will keep going on for the rest of my life. . .

Through these experiences I have come to see tha the world is not worth much. The only thing that counts for me no, first and last, is God. I am most concentrated when I pray with my prayer beads. Then I am able to put my feelings to sleep, to calm myself and avoid becoming crazy. I believe that destiny rules life, and it makes no sense to struggle too hard . . . During my journey I have seen hunger, war, death, and poverty. Now through prayer I have begun to hear myself, I have returned toward my center, I have achieved concentration and I have understood that the world has no value. Man was born to be tested on this earth. Cars, television sets, clothes are secondary. The main thing is that we were born to praise the Lord. Everyone has his own fate, and we should be like the lion in the proverb. The lion, when he runs after a pack of gazelles, can only catch them one at a time. I try to be like that, and not like Westerners who go crazy working even though they cannot eat more than their daily bread. . . If I am to live twenty more years, I will try to live enjoying each moment, instead of killing myself to get more. . . If I am to live like a free man who does not depend on anyone, I can afford to go slowly; if I don't earn anything today, it does not matter. It means that this happens to be my fate. Next day I may earn 100 million -- or get a terminal illness. Like Jesus Christ said, What does it benefit to man if he gains the entire world, but loses himself? I have tried first to conquer myself; I don't care if I lose the world.

I set out on this journey, like a baby bird hatching from its egg; ever since I have been walking in freedom. Every man should get to know himself and experience life in all its forms. I could have gone on sleeping soundly in my bed, and found work in my town, because a job was ready for me, but I decided to sleep with the poor, because one must suffer to become a man. One does not get to be a man by getting married, by having sex: to be a man means to be responsible, to know when it is time to speak, to know what has to be said, to know when one must stay silent.

-from Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

. . . which is an excellent book by the way. I would highly recommend it. Or at least go wach Csikszentmihalyi's TED talk.

It's true, one does not become a man (or a woman, for that matter, but I feel this is more of an issue in our culture with men) by having sex. Anyone can have sex, any animal can have sex. We are biologically programmed to have and enjoy sex. What is hard, what makes you a mature adult is managing your sexual power in a responsible way, realizing the effect of sexual power and using it wisely and maturely.

2009-06-12T23:20:00.000-04:00

Life’s short and we never have enough time for the hearts of those who travel the way with us. O, be swift to love! Make haste to be kind.” -Henri Frederic Amiel

we have so much

2009-06-03T10:26:00.002-04:00

and yet we put so little of it to use.

"No one has the answers.
Everyone has the responsibility."

fell in love with a poem

2009-06-02T17:08:00.003-04:00

The Four-Moon Planet

I have envied the four-moon planet.
-from The Notebooks of Robert Frost

Maybe he was thinking of the song
"What a Little Moonlight Can Do?"
and became curious about
what a lot of moonlight might be capable of.

But wouldn't this be too much of a good thing?
and what if you couldn't tell them apart
and they always rose together
like pale quadruplets entering a living room?

Yes, there would be enough light
to read a book or write a letter at midnight,
and if you drank enough tequilia
you might see eight of them roving brightly above.

But think of the two lovers on a beach,
his arm around her bare shoulder,
thrilled at how close they were feeling tonight,
while he gazed at one moon and she another.

[by Billy Colins, from his new collection Ballistics]

things i like. . .

2009-06-01T17:47:00.005-04:00

-being alone
-being alone
-being alone
-being alone
-being alone
-being alone
-being alone and watching the o.c.
-being alone and watching gossip girl
-being alone and reading
-being alone and bicycling
-being alone and writing poetry

i like myself more when i'm alone.

things i don't like doing alone:

-drinking
-smoking cigarettes
-doing yoga

things i like doing with anna:
-being silly
-watching alias/arrested development/gossip girl
-talking
-talking about infomania

things i like doing with nicole:
-cooking
-playing scrabble
-talking
-driving

things i like doing with anna millard:
-getting coffee
-gossiping
-talking and walking and smoking cigarettes
-kissing

more from Still Life with Woodpecker

2009-05-30T09:02:00.000-04:00

"nothing is implied here. Except the possibility that everything is connected."

"those who shun the whimsy of things will experience rigor mortis before death."

"Equality is not in regarding different things similarly, equality is in regarding different things differently."

"Don't let yourself be victimized by the age you live in. It's not the times that will bring us down, any more than it's society. When you put the blame on society, then you end up turning to society for the solution. Just like those poor neurotics at the Care Fest. There's a tendency today to absolve individuals of moral responsibility and treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your soul . . . What limits people is lack of character. What limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star in their own movie, let alone direct it."

"Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. the most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free."

{}

2009-05-29T13:46:00.001-04:00

people always take photos of flowers, but not their stems.

holy sex

2009-05-28T21:42:00.000-04:00

2009-05-24T18:57:00.002-04:00

emotional release isn't ever an easy thing.
finding out you were your stepmom's and your mother's mother in a past life on a sunny Sunday isn't always easy.
balancing long-term goals with short-term sanity isn't always easy.
deciding where, when, if, and how you want to go to college isn't always easy.
learning about yourself isn't always easy.
de-programming yourself isn't always easy.
exploring your past isn't always easy.

basically,
livin' ain't always easy.

but, on the other hand,
i am alive.
so,
there's
that.

tom robbins summarizes my feelings on sex exactly. begin.

2009-05-12T17:50:00.004-04:00

from Still Life with Woodpecker:

"There is lovemaking that is bad for a person, just as there is eating that is bad. That boysenberry cream pie from the Thrift-E Mart may appear inviting, may, in fact, cause all nine hundred taste buds to carol from the tongue, but in the end, the sugars, the additives, the empty calories clog arteries, disrupt cells, generate fat, and rot teeth. . . Every nutritious sexual recipe calls for at least a pinch of love, and the fucks that rate four-star rankings from both gourmets and health-food nuts use cupfuls. Not that sex should be regarded as therapeutic or to be taken for medicinal purposes -- only a dullard would hang such a millstone around the nibbled neck of a lay-- but to approach sex carelessly, shallowly, with detachment and without warmth is to dine night after night in erotic greasy spoons. In time, one's palate will become insensitive, one will suffer (without knowing it) emotional malnutrition, the skin of the soul will fester with scurvy, the teeth of the heart will decay. Neither duration nor proclamation of commitment is necessarily the measure-- there are ephemeral explosions of passion between strangers that make more erotic sense than many lengthy marriages, there are one-night stands in Jersey City more glorious than six-months affairs in Paris-- but finally there is a commitment, however brief; a purity, however threatened; a vulnerability, however concealed; a generosity of spirit, however marbled with need; an honest caring, however singed by lust, that must be present if couplings are to be salubrious and not slow poison."

2009-05-11T16:41:00.002-04:00

my year is slowly coming together. . . .
wowza.

leave for dad's on friday . . . . avett brothers. . . . back on 27th . . . . move into apartment. . . work work work til shakespeare. . . summer lovin' w/ hannah and anna and anna . . . apply to colleges . . . go visit nicole in asheville . . . shakespeare in the park! . . . travel the country in the fall: up the east coast, austin city limits, ohio, wherever WWOOF takes me . . . . I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

i love figs

2009-05-09T16:25:00.002-04:00

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet." (Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar)

This is my life right now.
This is my mind right now.
There are so many possibilities that I have no idea where to begin.
No idea what to do.
No idea what I want.
Except a sense of peace.
A sense of self-acceptance.
I'm tired of trying so hard.
I'm tired of being tired.

I realize that this blog has turned into a place of self-pity and whiny-ness.
That was not my original intention.
But I guess this is sort of what I need right now.
A place to vent and whine and pout for a few minutes.

It's weird, Carone keeps calling me, and it's super flattering, but I just have no desire to go over there. I know if I go over there I'll just put so much pressure on myself to perform, to be hot and sexy and good. I won't enjoy it. I'll just be worrying too much about what he thinks of me. Then the dilemma is, do I go over and just not worry about it? Or do I make up some excuse? And then worry about that. I'm sick of worrying. I'm sick of feeling unworthy.

When I envision my ideal self, what do I see?
I don't know anymore . . . .
I definitely need to get out of my bubble.
I need to go somewhere I've never been
and do something I never do
and do physical labor to help others.
Do something for someone other than myself
and my stupid narcissistic ego.
Because in helping others,
I will help myself.
In truly loving others,
I will love myself.
In truly forgiving others,
I will forgive myself.

SHIT!

2009-05-08T02:41:00.001-04:00

I don't remember what I was gonna post about!

oh, well, I'm done wallowing.

FOR GOOD!

day old blues

2009-05-07T00:27:00.002-04:00

does it ever really stop hurting?

p.s. i'm really worried about you.

does the moon have a purpose? she inquired of Prince Charming

2009-05-06T16:16:00.004-04:00

"Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself or not

Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has a beginning and end.

Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.

Ther is only on serious question. And that is:

Who knows how to make love stay?

Answer me that and I will tell you whether or not to kill yourself.

Answer me that and I will ease your mind about the beginning and the end of time.

Answer me that and I will reveal to you the purpose of the moon."

-Tom Robbins, Still Life With Woodpecker

still . . .

2009-05-03T23:18:00.002-04:00

feel like i'm going to throw up.
i have never felt so guilty, and awful, and thankful, and loving all at once.
i somehow got so off course from what I originally intended to do when I came back home.
And how could i get so off course? How could i forget who my true friends were? How could I forget about the feelings of people closest to me? How could I give up my own true self just to try and please other people?
Time to start over. Fresh.
Maybe that'll be my whole life. Just starting over and over and trying again and again.
But I don't want to ever stop trying.
Thank you for somehow, through all your hurt, believing in me.
Now I just need to believe in myself.

dr. dog helps.

i don't wanna go back to my old ways again.
i want to move forward.

i must believe in people

2009-05-03T22:01:00.003-04:00

despite everything.

because if I don't believe in anyone else, there's no way I'll ever believe in myself.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

MOTHER THERESA

2009-04-30T18:33:00.002-04:00

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”

— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

man, sometimes Nietzsche's really got my back.

thanks, man.

breathing comes easier when I listen to her

2009-04-23T22:47:00.000-04:00

she is a china doll!

proof

2009-04-21T14:10:00.003-04:00

remember that play?
the movie was made with Gwyneth Paltrow and Anthony Hopkins and Jake Gyllenhaal?

Yeah, I feel like Gwyneth Paltrow's character in that movie.
except for I'm not a mathematical genius (although I often wish I were*).
She spent her days in bed reading cosmopolitan.
I spend my days in bed watching Curb Your Enthusiasm or reading stupid personal development blogs and compulsively collecting inspiring quotes, which somehow never manage to inspire me enough to actually get up off my ass and do something.
She hated breakfast.
I hate breakfast.
She is** similar to her father in many ways.
I am similar to my father in many ways. (Mostly unfortunate traits like excessive procrastination, excessive piling, chubby oblong cheeks, -- although a few good ones are tossed in there kind of like the raisins and bits of feta cheese in an otherwise really boring salad.)

In conclusion, I'm really tired of being depressed. But I also vehemently don't want to go back on my medication, not only because it gave me night sweats but also because it really didn't do that much good.

I woke up this morning and after a drab day yesterday, I felt all bubbly and energetic and went to yoga and was feeling excellent and chipper and then -- oh yeah, i remembered I drank a cup of coffee this morning. It was the caffeine. Not my natural endorphins flooding my brain. I wish.

But then it got me to thinking, is everything just a chemical reaction? Is every feeling just chemistry?? I know there have been lots of studies done about how happiness is all about chemicals and depression is often due to a chemical imbalance blah blah blah but is that true for every emotion? For love? Grief? Hatred? are these feelings also dictated by neurons and receptors and chains of rna or dna or whatever? It's kind of interesting to ponder.

I'll probably ponder it more today. So far no conclusions worthy of sharing with anyone other than my cat. The only definite conclusion I can give today is that I feel like my life right now is like a lego tower. You know, how you play with Legos and you start out with this goal in mind, maybe it's kind of fuzzy but it's definitely something really big and cool and intricate like a ship or a castle or a life-size-version of yourself? But then you start building and building away and soon enough you've built yourself into a bind and you can't add on anymore Legos except for maybe on the bottom and your stuck with this misshappen lump of plastic blocks. And it's nothing. So you start trying to take some off but the Legos (those little bastards) are really small and notched together tightly and they won't come unstuck! I feel like I've gotten to that point, where I can't really build anymore but I can't rid of anything either. I'm stuck with what I've got and I can't see where to go next. Legos, man.

*[tangent: i wish i were an oscar mayer weeeeeeeiner. that is what i truly want to beeeeee. if i were an oscar mayer weeeeeiner. everyone would be in love with meeeeeee. ]

**i'm switching back and forth between tenses here, sorry. when talking about a fictional character should one use the past or the present tense?? i don't know.

today i am really sad

2009-04-13T17:32:00.001-04:00

From- Dr. Dog

2009-04-06T15:09:00.000-04:00

2009-04-06T00:17:00.003-04:00

sing me swing me
into the scoop of
your mouthed mountains
gaping
tongue draping
velveteen and plush
and pulse pulse pulse
the throb of the birdsong
canoes me away
through this mire
of abundance.

my tooth
aches deeper
than the cave
we climbed into
that day
after the day
with the lilacs and
the missing scotch
and the tulip bulbs.

my skin slimyslick like a crocodile heavy like layers and layers
of fish scales. maybe i'll just type myself away into skeletal infinity.

because you know i've heard of the peace that descends when your bones start to rot is not unlike the pleasurable sensation of meditating on warm concrete.

i've heard that when your teeth fall out you no longer have to bother with chewing and that when your feet fall off you no longer have to bother with walking

and don't you hope when you die --
when you honest to god die die die
(it's impossible to imagine to, don't even try)--
don't you hope that you'll just get to float around
in an infinite gravity machine and never bother again?

making a mix tape is like writing a letter

2009-04-04T10:24:00.003-04:00

i've tried to write letters, but somehow they always turn into a compilation of songs. Sometimes it's hard to trust your own poetic ability, especially when confined to the world of lines and letters. Sometimes you have to steal and cut and paste and mish-mash everything together and somehow hope it makes sense, without being too obvious but also without being pretentiously vague. As John Cusack in High Fidelity puts it:

Now, the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art. Many do's and don'ts. First of all you're using someone else's poetry to express how you feel. This is a delicate thing.

So, I shall start posting occasionally compilations that I find particularly expressive and articulate, especially when it comes to carrying out a complete them from start to finish. The first: A salute to the brilliant Hannah Fletcher, who inspired me to make my first mix tape (which was actually on a tape! yeah!). This is the mix she made me for my high school graduation.

CAITLIN'S AWESOME NEW ADULT LIFE MIX
1. Hell Yes - Beck
i like your bass. your beat is nice.
2. Gone Daddy Gone - Gnarls Barkley
where she is now i can only guess
3. Do the Whirlwind - Architecture in Helsinki
at least be confused about right and wrong
4. Why Don't We Do It in the Road - The Beatles
why don't we do it in the road? no one will be watching us
5. Let it all Hang Out- The Hombres
nobody knows what it's all about, it's too much man let it all hang out
6. Shout Your Lungs Out - The Beets
you gotta rock your socks you gotta roll your soul
7. Shake Your Tail Feather - Blues Brothers & Ray Charles
the shingaling's the thing tonight
8. Whip It - Devo
crack that whip/give the past the slip
9. Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games - Of Montreal
let's pretend we don't exist (let's pretend we're in Antarctica)
10. Satan Said Dance - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!
My head turns white and my face is green
But my feet are still moving if you know what I mean
11. Crystal Cat - Dan Deacon
gonna get my pile of stone/gonna get my men into rows
12. The Two Sides of Monsieur Valentine - Spoon
every morning I got a new chance
13. Misunderstood - Wilco
There's a fortune inside your head
All you touch turns to lead
You think you might just crawl back in bed
The fortune inside your head
14. Where is My Mind - The Pixies
your head will collapse when there's nothing in it
(and you'll ask: where is my mind??)
15. Changes - David Bowie
still don't know what I was waiting for and my time was running wild
16. Don't Be Scared - Andrew Bird
don't believe you're all alone
17. Jogging Gorgeous Summer - Islands
millions of sunsets but the one I remember
is the one when you told me you'd love me forever
18. Hey Baby Boy - Film Dialogue
watcha thinkin'?
19. Take Your Carriage Clock and Shove It - Belle & Sebastian
honor forbids me but honor be damned
20. The Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie
if you've got an impulse let it out
but they never make it past my mouth
21. Baba O'Riley - The Who
Let's get together before we get much older.
It's only teenage wasteland.
22. Woman King - Iron & Wine
someday we may see a woman king

[this mix has served as my daily soundtrack for the last two weeks. The first half energizes me in the morning as I drive to work, waking up to the day. By the time I get in the car in the evening I am ready to melt into Wraith Pinned to the Mist and pretend I don't exist while smoking cigarettes and listening to Wilco. And then somehow "Where is My Mind?" always seems to come on at the opportune moment, as I drive around after a night of whatever crazy shenanigans I managed to get myself in and I crash around for a while, thinking about life and feeling good and crowning myself woman king. It's been rather ideal.]

song of the day

2009-03-30T23:30:00.002-04:00

Losing You - John Butler Trio

READ THIS SPEECH!

2009-03-30T17:11:00.001-04:00

given by howard zinn.

Howard Zinn is a veteran of more than half a century of struggles for peace, justice and democracy. He's the renowned author of numerous books such as A People's History of the United States and You Can't Be Neutral on a Moving Train, as well as the play Marx in Soho, about Karl Marx.

In early February--a few weeks after Barack Obama was inaugurated as president--Howard spoke at the independent bookstore and gathering place Busboys and Poets. Here, with his permission, we publish his thoughts on the future of the struggle in the Obama era.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE now to come to Washington, D.C., without being cognizant of how different the atmosphere is today--an amazing difference. When Obama's victory was announced, the overwhelming feeling was a sense of relief: Wow, they're gone. The only thing that remains is to put them in jail.

We're making this documentary based on Voices of a People's History of the United States, which Anthony Arnove and I put together, and we have these actors who are reading historical documents--a wonderful array of stars with social consciences, who are happy to do this, because they believe in it and are so glad not to be doing the usual Hollywood stuff.

We've had a number of these events around the country, and of course, the point is that it's the people who are important. Not the people up there; it's the people down here. The point is resistance not acceptance, and disobedience not obedience.

One of our readers is Viggo Mortensen. We were in the green room, and Viggo Mortensen says, "I'll be back in a minute." And when he comes back, he's taken a magic marker and written three words in big letters on the t-shirt that he's going to wear onstage to read. The three words are "IMPEACH, REMOVE, JAIL." We're not at that point yet, but who knows?

And who could not feel some sense of wonderment that this has happened? How moving it was, watching on television and seeing the faces of people in the crowd when Obama's victory was announced. To see Jesse Jackson weeping, to see the face of John Lewis, to see the faces of people who have been involved in the struggle for a long time.

For me, there was an especially poignant moment when they showed students at Spelman College. That's where I taught for seven years during the era of the civil rights movement. They showed those students at Spelman College, and the looks on their faces and their shouts of joy were overwhelming.

I felt all of that, and I have to say all of that before I discuss Obama soberly. Coming off that high and that amazing intoxication, you get to a point where you say it's a wonderful thing that happened, but now let's see what needs to be done.

And so I'm going to talk about Obama and his administration--what's going on, and what there is for us to do.

Because we are citizens, and Obama is a president. Obama is a politician. You might not like that word. But the fact is he's a politician. He's other things, too--he's a very sensitive and intelligent and articulate and thoughtful and promising person. But he's a politician. We have to remember that. Lincoln was a politician, and Roosevelt was a politician.

If you're a citizen, you have to know the difference between them and you--the difference between what they have to do and what you have to do. Although there are things they don't have to do, if you make it clear to them they don't have to do it.

From the beginning, I liked Obama. But the first time it suddenly struck me that he was a politician was early on, when Joe Lieberman was running for the Democratic nomination for his Senate seat in 2006. You may recognize that name with the same amount of distaste that I utter it--Joe Lieberman, who says he's a Democrat, who's really a Republican, and who's actually worse then both.

Lieberman--who, as you know, was and is a war lover--was running for the Democratic nomination, and his opponent was a man named Ned Lemont, who was the peace candidate. And Obama went to Connecticut to support Lieberman against Lemont.

It took me aback. But I say that to indicate that, yes, Obama is a politician. We have to understand that, and understand therefore that we must not be swept away into an unthinking and unquestioning acceptance of what Obama does. He will do some good things--he has already done some good things. He will do some bad things, and has done some bad things already.

Our job is not to give him a blank check or simply be cheerleaders. It was good that we were cheerleaders while he was running for office, but it's not good to be cheerleaders now. Because we want the country to go beyond where it has been in the past. We want to make a clean break from what it has been in the past. We want to go farther than where another liberal Democratic president will carry us.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I HAD a teacher at Columbia University named Richard Hofstadter, who wrote a book called The American Political Tradition, and in it, he examined presidents from the Founding Fathers down through Franklin Roosevelt. There were liberals and conservatives, Republicans and Democrats, and there were differences between them.

But he found that the so-called liberals were not as liberal as people thought--and that the difference between the liberals and the conservatives, and between Republicans and the Democrats, was not a polar difference. There was a common thread that ran all through all American history, and all of the presidents--Republican, Democrat, liberal, conservative--followed this thread.

The thread consisted of two elements: one, nationalism; and two, capitalism. If you study American history, you see that these priorities run through the most liberal presidencies, like Franklin Roosevelt's: Nationalism and capitalism. And Obama is not yet free of that powerful double heritage.

We can see it in the policies that have been enunciated so far, even though he's only been in office a short time. Some people might say, "Well, what do you expect?" And the answer is that we expect a lot. People say, "What, are you a dreamer?" And the answer is, yes, we're dreamers. We want it all. We want a peaceful world. We want an egalitarian world. We don't want war. We don't want capitalism. We want a decent society.

Are we dreaming? We better hold on to that dream--because if we don't, we'll sink closer and closer to this reality that we have, and that we don't want.

Obama basically believes in a capitalist system. And he's not simply another president coming at any period in American history. Obama has become president at a very special time, when the American capitalist system is falling apart. And good! I'm glad it's falling apart, because unless the system falls apart, we're not going to do anything about it. We're not going to fix it.

We have to do something different. We have to have fundamental changes in the economic system. And Obama has been too ready to yield to corporations and the market.

The market system--be wary when you hear about the glories of the market system. The market system is what we've had. Let the market decide, they say. The government mustn't give people free health care; let the market decide.

Which is what the market has been doing--and that's why we have 45 million people without health care. The market has decided that. Leave things to the market, and there are 2 million people homeless. Leave things to the market, and there are millions and millions of people who can't pay their rent.

You can't leave it to the market. If you're facing an economic crisis like we're facing now, you can't do what was done in the past. You can't pour money into the upper levels of the country and into the corporations, and hope that it somehow trickles down. That's a trickle-down theory. You know about the trickle-down theory? If the money does trickle down, it will be a trickle, and that's all.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

WHAT WAS one of the first things that happened when the Bush administration saw that the economy was in trouble? A $700 billion bailout, and who did we give the $700 billion to? To the financial institutions that ruined us--that caused this crisis.

This was when the presidential campaign was still going on, and it pained me to see McCain and Obama standing there, both of them endorsing this huge bailout to the corporations.

What Obama should have been saying was: Hey, wait a while. The banks aren't poverty stricken. The CEOs aren't poverty stricken. But there are people who are out of work. There are people who can't pay their mortgages. Let's take $700 billion and give it directly to the people who need it. Let's take $1 trillion, let's take $2 trillion. They spend that on bombers.

Let's take this money and give it directly to the people who need it. Give it to the people who have to pay their mortgages. Nobody should be evicted. Nobody should be left with their belongings out on the street.

And yes, I'm going to keep telling Obama what he should be saying. He may not be listening. But if all of you listen, and then tell other people, and they listen and tell other people, and they listen, and you write your congressman and tell them this is what you want, that's what happens--the listening reaches more and more and more people.

Obama now wants to spend hundreds of billions of dollars as part of his economic stimulus plan. Which is good--the idea of a stimulus is good. But if you look closely at the plan, too much of it goes through the market, through corporations, through private enterprise.

It gives tax breaks to businesses, hoping that they'll hire people. No--if people need jobs you don't give money to the corporations, hoping that maybe jobs will be created. You give people work immediately.

A lot of people don't know the history of the New Deal of the 1930s. The New Deal didn't go far enough, but it had some very good ideas. And the reason the New Deal came to these good ideas was because there was huge agitation in this country.

There was turmoil in the country, and Roosevelt had to react. So what did they do? They took billions of dollars and said the government was going to hire people. You're out of work? The government has a job for you. No matter what you do, no matter what your line of work, the government has work for you.

As a result of this, lots of very wonderful work was done all over the country. Several million young people were put into the Civilian Conservation Corps. Instead of sending them overseas to fight in a war, there were given money--for subsistence, and enough to send home to their parents--and they went around the country, building bridges and roads and playgrounds, and doing remarkable things.

The government created a federal arts program. It wasn't going to wait for the markets to decide that--the government set up a program and hired thousands of unemployed artists: playwrights, actors, musicians, painters, sculptures, writers. What was the result? The result was the production of thousands of pieces of art. Today, around the country, there are thousands of murals painted by people in the WPA program. Plays were put on all over the country at very cheap prices, so that people who had never seen a play in their lives were able to afford to go.

And that's just a glimmer of what could be done. The government has to represent the people's needs. The government can't give the job of representing the people's needs to corporations and to the market, because they don't care about the people's needs. They only care about profit.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

IN THE course of his campaign, Obama said something which struck me as very wise--and when people say something very wise, you have to remember it, because they may not hold to it. You may have to remind them of that wise thing they said.

Obama was talking about the war in Iraq, and he said, "It's not just that we have to get out of the war in Iraq." He said that, and we mustn't forget it. We must keep reminding him: Out of Iraq, out of Iraq, out of Iraq--not next year, not two years from now, but out of Iraq.

But he also said, "It's not enough to get out of Iraq; we have to get out of the mindset that led us into Iraq."

What is that mindset--the way of thinking that got us into Iraq? It's the mindset that force will do the trick. Violence, war, bombers--they will bring democracy and liberty to the people.

It's a mindset that has been part of the history of this country from the very beginning: We will bring civilization to the Mexicans in 1846. We will bring freedom to the Cubans in 1898. We will bring democracy to the Filipinos in 1900. You know how successful we've been at bringing democracy all over the world.

The mindset is we'll do it by force of arms. It's a militaristic mindset. And Obama has not gotten out of that militaristic mindset. He talks about sending tens of thousands more troops to Afghanistan.

I took a cab from--do you call it Reagan National Airport?--and I like to get into conversations with cab drivers. And if I think the cab driver has a foreign accent, I will say, "Where are you from?" I asked this cab driver, and he said, "Afghanistan." I told him the truth--that I'd never had a cab driver from Afghanistan before.

I saw that I didn't have a lot more time left, so I had to get to the heart of the matter. I said, "What do you think of President Obama's idea of sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan?" He shook his head. He said, "What they need is food. They need health care. They need houses. That's what they need."

Obama is a very smart guy, and surely he must know some of the history. You don't have to know a lot to know the history of Afghanistan has been decades and decades of Western powers trying to impose their will on Afghanistan by force: The English, the Russians and now the Americans. What has been the result? The result has been a ruined country.

This is the mindset that sends 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan, and that says, as Obama has, that we've got to have a bigger military. My heart sank when Obama said that. Why do we need a bigger military? We have an enormous military budget. Has Obama talked about cutting the military budget in half or some fraction? No.

The mindset is that we're a tough nation, and we have to remain the most powerful. That's the kind of mindset that leads to having weapons in space. Did you know that we have a program--had one for years--for weapons in space?

We have military bases in a hundred countries. We have 14 military bases on Okinawa alone. Who wants us there? The governments. They get benefits. But the people don't really want us there. Right now, there are huge demonstrations in Italy against the establishment of a U.S. military base. There have been big demonstrations in South Korea and on Okinawa.

The governments may want us, but the people don't want us there. So what do you do? You have to look for a place where you can have a military base and there are no people to oppose you. And where is that? Space.

They want to have platforms in space, where they can aim their weapons hit wherever they want. It's pretty scary, unless you believe them when they say, "Oh, we're very precise. We have the latest equipment. We can target anywhere and hit just what we want." This is what they've been saying all along, right?

But then you notice that with all the sophisticated equipment and so on, they can actually decide that they're going to bomb this one house. But there's one problem: They don't know who's in the house. They can hit one car with a rocket from a great distance. Do they know who's in the car? No.

And later--after the bodies have been taken out of the car, after the bodies have been taken out of the house--they tell you, "Well, there were three suspected terrorists in that house, and yes, there's seven other people killed, including two children, but we got the suspected terrorists."

But notice that the word is "suspected." The truth is they don't know who the terrorists are.

We have to get out of that mindset. And Obama has to be pulled by the people who elected him, by the people who are enthusiastic about him. We're the ones who have to tell him, "No, you're on the wrong course with this militaristic idea of using force to accomplish things in the world. We won't accomplish anything that way, and we'll remain a hated country in the world."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW, OBAMA talked about having a vision. You have to have a vision, and now I want to tell Obama what his vision should be.

The vision should be of a nation that becomes liked all over the world. I won't even say loved--it'll take a while to build up to that. A nation that is not feared, not disliked, not hated, as too often we are.

A nation that is looked upon as peaceful, because we've withdrawn our military bases from all these countries. Why do we need military bases in other countries? They're not defending us.

The word defense is one of the most misused words in the English language. "We bombed this country in self-defense." "The Israelis pulverize and destroy Gaza in self-defense." This isn't defense. This is aggression. And we want a country that doesn't commit aggression anymore.

We don't need to spend the hundreds of billions of dollars on the military budget. Take all the money allocated to military bases and the military budget, and--this is part of the emancipation--you can use that money to give everybody free health care, to guarantee jobs to everybody who doesn't have a job, guaranteed payment of rent to everybody who can't pay their rent, build child care centers.

Let's use the money to help other people around the world, not to send bombers over there. When disasters take place, they need helicopters to transport people out of the floods and out of devastated areas. They need helicopters to save people's lives, and the helicopters are over in the Middle East, bombing and strafing people.

What's required is a total turnaround. We want a country that uses its resources, its wealth and its power to help people, not to hurt them. That's what we need.

This is a vision we have to keep alive. We shouldn't be easily satisfied and say, "Oh well, give him a break." Obama deserves respect. But you don't respect somebody when you give them a blank check. You respect somebody when you treat them as an equal to you, and as somebody you can talk to and somebody who will listen to you.

So what I'm saying is that Obama has a lot of wonderful qualities and seems to be a decent man, but he's a politician. And worse, he's surrounded by politicians. And some of them he picked himself. He picked Hillary Clinton, he picked Lawrence Summers, he picked people who show no sign of breaking from the past.

We are citizens. We must not put ourselves in the position of looking at the world from their eyes and say, "Well, we have to compromise, we have to do this for political reasons." We have to speak our minds.

This is the position that the abolitionists were in before the Civil War, and people said, "Well, you have to look at it from Lincoln's point of view." Lincoln didn't believe that his first priority was abolishing slavery. But the anti-slavery movement did, and the abolitionists said, "We're not going to put ourselves in Lincoln's position. We are going to express our own position, and we are going to express it so powerfully that Lincoln will have to listen to us."

And the anti-slavery movement grew large enough and powerful enough that Lincoln had to listen. That's how we got the Emancipation Proclamation and the 13th and 14th and 15th Amendments.

That's been the story of this country. Where progress has been made, wherever any kind of injustice has been overturned, it's been because people acted as citizens, and not as politicians. They didn't just moan. They worked, they acted, they organized, they rioted if necessary.

They did all sorts of things to bring their situation to the attention of people in power. And that's what we have to do today.

Transcription by Alex Read and Matt Korn.

WORD!

2009-03-30T15:07:00.001-04:00

Our ability to grow is directly proportional to our ability to entertain the uncomfortable.

TWYLA THARP

p.s isn't twyla the most bad-ass name you've heard in a while?

be myself?

2009-03-30T14:43:00.002-04:00

what in the very very wide wild world does "being yourself" mean?
how do I "be myself"?
caroline pointed out to me the other night that I am always trying to come off a certain way, to appear a certain way, to be a certain way. To what aim? Perhaps so people will like me? so I will feel good about myself? I'm not really sure. The problem is, I don't know how "act naturally." I don't know what "being myself" looks or really feels like.

help! I want to be free from the confines of my own brain! My hyperactive tangle of neurons!

I want to sing like birds sing, not worrying about who listens or what they think. -Rumi

If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation -J Krishnamurti

To be great, be whole;
Exclude nothing, exaggerate nothing that is not you
Be whole in everything. Put all you are
Into the smallest thing you do
The whole moon gleams in every pool.
(Fernando Pessoa)

I'm Nobody! Who are you? (emily dickinson)

The secret of a soul-based life is to allow someone or something other than the usual self to be in charge. (Thomas Moore)

The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motive of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls. (Elizabeth Cady Stanton)

2009-03-22T12:05:00.002-04:00

last night I set sat in bed with a bottle of Pellegrino Sparkling Mineral Water and pretended I was a drunk bastard.

hippies :)

2009-03-21T02:09:00.000-04:00

my blog, it needs more color

2009-03-14T18:39:00.002-04:00

my body, it needs more talents.

my brain, it needs more rest.

my muscles, they need more contractionreleasecontractionrelease.

my fingers, they need more dexterity.

my eyes, they need to be opened wider.

my soul, needs to stop hiding and come out and enjoy the life.

it's starting to rain

2009-03-12T06:37:00.002-04:00

just a bit at first. then more and more and more.
i was standing outside with my big fat headphones with the long cord snaked around my body, sweatpants and all (it was too cold to be naked). listening to "heroin."
i think i want to study anthropology.
i want to learn about all the different cultures that have populated this earth over the span of human existence.
i want to understand why we are where we are.
it's like history but not just the history of our culture.
the history of ALL humans.
i want to be able to teach people that there are so many different ways to live, that our mad search for the one right way is just that, mad. an insane, futile whirlwind.
i want to be able to lose myself entirely in the moment, and i think i finally understand what that means for me: to be able to forget that "I" exist. To lose all self-consciousness. To be only my body and not my mind. To not think about what i am doing (i.e. "I am dancing in the rain to the velvet underground.") but instead just to do. to literally LOSE myself.
I DON'T WANT TO EXIST.
i am tired of wearing earrings.
i am tired of wearing clothes.
i am tired of my overactive and hyper-self-conscious mind obscuring my perception of the world.
i am tired of all those things but suddenly i am not tired of being alive.
i am inspirgized.
energized by inspiration.
by breathing in the cool air.
by the spindly silhouettes of the tree branches, opening from trunk to tips like a vase.
by the silence of absorbtion.
by the absence of distraction.
feel closely.
release all the miniscule muscles in your face.
feel you forehead decompress.
feel your nostrils release.
feel your eyebrows un-arch, your jaw un-clench.
let your body be queen for a day, a moment, all time.
let your eyes blink and your heart beat and don't stop to think.
that might be the worst advice, to stop and think.
don't stop. don't think.
just feel the rain on your cheek.

i need to get out of my comfort zone

2009-03-11T20:55:00.000-04:00

Chun Kuk Do

2009-03-10T05:15:00.001-04:00

Chuck Norris's Lifetime Guidelines

I will develop myself to the maximum of my potential in all ways.
I will forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements.
I will continually work at developing love, happiness and loyalty in my family.
I will look for the good in all people and make them feel worthwhile.
If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will say nothing.
I will always be as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
I will maintain an attitude of open-mindedness.
I will maintain respect for those in authority and demonstrate this respect at all times.
I will always remain loyal to God, my country, family and my friends.
I will remain highly goal-oriented throughout my life because that positive attitude helps my family, my country and myself.

sugar baby love

2009-03-10T00:28:00.003-04:00

well, again, I didn't make it a whole day without sugar. I did pretty well, but I definitely was starving by the time it was time to go work overnight at WTN and I forgot to bring any food with me so as soon as I got there I ate a a "FIBERFUL" english muffin (haha, seriously, that was the name) and some gross chocolate layer bar things. I can feel the sugar coursing through my body, the heat of a sugar high. It feels good, but not that good. And I know I'll just feel disgusting later. but at least today wasn't a failure. I learned that I can't totally deprive myself of food when I have so much shit to od, so I just need to "transition" as they say. Cut out wheat and dairy first and then progress from there. Eat as many fruits and veggies as possible! And I can choose to not fuck it up further tonight by not gorging myself on sweets and adopting an "all or nothing" mentality. oh yeah! It's alll goooood baby!

possibly the most disturbing video of a small child EVER.

. . . .so I'll leave you with something a little less. . . er. . . . aaron carter-esque.

Big Rock Candy Mountain - Harry McClintock

DESIDERATA

2009-03-09T22:50:00.000-04:00

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrman

2009-03-07T02:26:00.002-05:00

Our eyes run over the surface of things. all they require are a few scattered points since they can bridge the gap in a flash. They "half-see" much more than they see, and they never weigh. . . . They are satisfied with appearances, and for them the world glows and slides by, but lacks substance. . . .

But [objects] are alive, even the stones. What is more, they vibrate and tremble . . . Touching the tomatoes in the garden, and really touching them, touching the walls of the house, the materials of the curtains or the clod of the eath is surely seeing them as fully as eyes can see. But it is more than seeing them, it is turning in on them and allowing the current they hold to connect with one's own, like electricity. To put it differently, this means an end of living in front of things and a beginning of living with them . . . This is love.

-Jacques Lusseyram-

art is everywhere (pt. 2)

2009-03-01T18:07:00.001-05:00

art is everywhere pt. 1

2009-02-28T02:19:00.005-05:00

(above: the raw canvas)

from dirtycarart.com
dust art! yay!

i hate

2009-02-27T19:08:00.002-05:00

having people hate me.

all i want is love.
all i need is love.
all the whole world needs is love.
and forgiveness.
you can't have one without the other.

this game is way to much fun

2009-02-26T02:01:00.001-05:00

A.D.D.I.C.T.I.N.G!

http://grant.robinson.name/projects/guess-the-google/game.php?l=5

2009-02-22T22:45:00.002-05:00

I expect to pass through this world but once; any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

[Stephen Grellet]

star chart

2009-02-21T19:13:00.002-05:00

Gemini (taurus cusp)
Virgo
Saggitarius
Scorpio
Gemini
Taurus
Aquarius
Taurus
Leo
Scorpio
Aquarius
Scorpio
Virgo
Taurus (gemini cusp)
Leo
Scorpio
Scorpio
Virgo

4 air
6 earth
3 fire
5 water

Missing: Aries, Cancer, Libra, Pisces, Capricorn

my mysterious bruise

2009-02-20T11:14:00.002-05:00

close up!

it kinda resembles a lipstick kiss

shivers and jitter and butterfly insides

2009-02-19T22:42:00.002-05:00

shit. shit. shit. shit. shit. shit. SHIT.
now i'm all a-flutter.
this hasn't happened in SO LONG.
i love the sensation,
but i know it's the wrong sensation to have.
very VERY wrong.

i'm really posting too many

2009-02-19T12:13:00.002-05:00

songs and videos and not enough actually writings
. . . but it's LYLE!
(and my thoughts are just a bit to convoluted at this point to blog about, actually that's a lie, i'm just being fuckin' lazy whoops)

Fat Babies - Lyle Lovett

DOPE!

2009-02-19T05:03:00.001-05:00

i never really cared for vampire weekend

2009-02-17T20:59:00.001-05:00

but ain't this just the cutest thang??

c.o.n.f.e.s.s.i.o.n.

2009-02-17T13:52:00.003-05:00

i miss being at Hampshire.
ahem. Correction: I miss being at college.
living at home again is trying.
having my mom bugging me
every second about where
i've been and what i'm doing.
having too much free time
on my hands.
having to live with people
who monitor and judge
my behavior.

I just miss the freedom
of being on my own, I guess,
even if that sense of freedom
was false in the sense
that I was still almost completely dependent
on my parents financially.
but still, some sliver of
adulthood was there.

now i feel like it's right back to
the cradle, or at least
the training pants.

but then again,
maybe it's not something
i can blame on my surrounding
circumstances
family.

maybe it's me.

maybe I'm just to scared
to truly be on my own.
maybe deep down I don't
want to leave home.

and maybe deep down that's okay,
because i don't think any of us
really want to leave our home,
most of us just don't know
where that home is.
Maybe this "home" that I'm
in now isn't really the home
I yearn for when i'm all alone
late at night
with only my laptop as distraction.
(it's a pretty amazing distraction, though,
don't get me wrong, i can forget a lot of things
when I sit down at this machine)

but, really, I mean we used to live
in tribes right?
we used to be surrounded by our extended family
by all our friends
our elders
our brother
our sisters
our cousins
our community
and we never left.
and it doesn't seem like those
people were nearly as unhappy
as we are.

Dream 2/17/2009

2009-02-17T11:24:00.002-05:00

crazy dreams last night. The one I remember most vividly:
I was driving our new red car. I was driving to this park, a tiny park by my friend Anna
Millard's house. I was in the passenger's seat and the car was driving itself. I somehow ended up at some softball fields. My brother and Cheeseman were there. I agreed to drive them back home. But the car was hard to drive, it wouldn't brake, and I was lost. I could see the Nashville skyline in the background but it looked very far away. We finally stopped at Cheeseman's house so my brother could take a shower. There was a huge kitched and platters of hamburgers in orange bun and rice covered in tinfoil everywhere, even sitting in front of the fire place. Everything was orange and fake wood. Cheeseman mom's came home and accused me of eating a pan of rice, even though I'm pretty sure it was a dog.

In a previous part of the dream:
I had to take J.P. to a drawing class at Watking. Claire Syler and a few other people I knew were there but I didn't want anyone to see me. I met Haley and we had coffee in the little cafe, and she was telling me that my brother had left class to go camping with Evan Blackwell and John Bacon.

. . . and that's about all i remember folks.
i woke up feeling stressed.
i hate being lost.

drawing

2009-02-17T11:11:00.002-05:00

is hard! my brain hurts from my first three-hour class last night. I really really really really really want to be able to draw well, but DAYUM it's going to take a lot of work. Last night was all about shading and blending and contrasting and it sucked. I need to go practice.

However, I did draw a pretty sweet bottle of Maker's Mark.
That made me do a bit of a happy dance at my easel/desk.

Also, I realized, just like everything else in the world, THERE IS NO ONE RIGHT WAY TO DRAW.
: ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : )
I can't wait for my own style to emerge.

2009-02-17T10:49:00.006-05:00

I watched Wristcutters last night and was quite disappointed overall. It was one of those classic cases where expectations were too high and while the movie was far from awful, it just couldn't live up to the excessive hype. However, in my attempt to find the good in everything, here were the good things about it.

1. Patrick Fugit looking increasingly less like Patrick Fugit circa Almost Famous and increasingly more like Ryan Adams. The resemblance was a pleasant surprise, albeit a bit distracting.
.

2. Shannyn Sossamon!

yeah, like that crazy gorgeous woman from A Knight's Tale.
I wish I could rock the short spiky hair like Shannyn can.
Also, I'm glad Patrick ended up getting with Shannyn,
cause Desiree was SUCH A FLAKE.

3. GOB!!!!!!!

I love me some Gob Bluth.
In Wristcutters he played another failed musician
who keeps (unsuccessfully) trying to "set free" (aka "sever") his
soul from his body. He calls himself King.

I was contemplating putting Tom Waits on the list of good things, but honestly, he was just O.K. Although he did have a pretty sweet white suit. But I think in the end he goes on the list of things that just didn't quite click. A list which also includes the swirling black hole beneath the Russian guy's passenger seat. I hated that damned hole. Also, why did Shannyn (i forget her movie name, they all had weird names like "Zia") want to go back? She seemed like one of those happy free-spirited grunge-chic chicks but back in her real like she overdosed on heroin. She looked fucking depressed. Did all of a sudden her character suddenly change once reaching the hell for people who've offed themselves? sounds fishy to me.

newsworthy

2009-02-13T09:52:00.005-05:00

in the past three days I have watched every episode of Gossip Girl in its entirety. with thirty two episodes approximating forty minutes each, that is 1,280 minutes or 20 hours out of my life spent learning about the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

the first video: a more somber character study of Blair, including reference to her bulimia which is vaguely referred to in the series. Mostly through blurry images of high heels in a bathroom stall and vague references to "her condition".

this one has less merit as a video, but more hotter shots of Chuck Bass, who is hot despite his weird nostrils.

One More Dollar (song of the morning)

2009-02-13T09:49:00.000-05:00

song of the day

2009-02-12T11:55:00.001-05:00

true dat

2008-12-10T20:19:00.002-05:00

you fit into me
like a hook into an eye

a fish hook
an open eye

-margaret atwood

17

2008-12-10T14:56:00.004-05:00

1. i cannot stop watching arrested development. even though i find the third season a little outrageous, i just can't. stop. watching. ah. ha. ha. yes. even when things start out weird they always end up being hilarious.

2. the closer i get to leaving Hampshire, the more I'm afraid that I'm not making the right decision.

3. i am fascinated by the way people talk. let me interview you. and i'm discovering how easy it is to splice interviews and make them seem different than they are. I'd be a good member of the media.

4. this semester has made me rethink a lot of my previous perceptions. personal, intellectual, artistic. everything. i am very grateful.

5. my already short attention span is shortening.

6. my anti-depressants give me night sweats. which are probably one of the most miserable physical things i've ever experienced. you wake up sticky and shivering and damp. it's gross.

7. i think too much.

8. i have very low self-confidence which is often expressed in a very obnoxious way. i'm working on this.

9. i think people are generally nice, it just depends on your own mood if you perceive them as such.

10. i get very nervous talking to people i don't know, but i love it when people introduce themselves to me just because. it gives me faith in humanity.

11. i wish i were more verbally articulate.

12. i am constantly making lists (physical and mental ones) of ways to improve myself and make myself more interesting. it's almost compulsive. i feel like i have to know everything, have read every book, seen every film, know about every issue and each item i cross off my list is one more step towards perfection. which is of course bullshit but it's how my mind works.

13. i am slowly slowly slowly regaining confidence in my creative writing skills. it's fragile, and it has been shattered again a few times a long the way, but it's still there- a little whisper of talent.

14. i get jealous very easily but i never let anyone know. my jealousy stems from feelings of inadequacy and mediocrity.

15. my greatest fear is mediocrity.

16. i feel really good right now. it's amazing what a good discussions about the controversy over genetically modified crops can do for one's outlook.

17. i am going to finish this paper in 5. . .4 . . .3 . . .2. . . NOW!

One Art

2008-11-15T15:04:00.001-05:00

by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day.  Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel.  None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch.  And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones.  And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied.  It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

 -- Elizabeth Bishop

essentials?

2008-11-14T14:43:00.016-05:00

halloween

2008-11-03T01:01:00.003-05:00

was a happy one.
I'm so glad my heat just turned on.
I am a bit fried.
Like the ravioli at saga tonight. fried ravioli?? you might as well just eat a mozarella stick.

13:6.
Old habits die hard. : )
but, hey, I like myself, I like my ways, I am working away, I am happy. That's all that matters.

play this song when I die

2008-10-24T21:12:00.002-04:00

youth

2008-10-23T07:15:00.002-04:00

My second short screenwriting exercise for my screenwriting class.
Obviously, it is based on people I know. They are just acting even more freakishly than usual.
Youth culture fascinates me.

EXT. NIGHT
The sound of gravel crunching. The camera follows a pair of wobbling, one-size-too-small red high heels encasing a pair of pudgy ankles as they teeter-totter their way up a gravel path. The sound of thumping music fades in from off-screen. The heels wobble up the steps of a wooden wraparound porch. They stop on the doormat which reads “BEWARE.” With the camera still on the feet only, we see a chubby hand with fire-engine red fingernails reach down and scratch the back of the right ankle. The figure straightens up and rings the doorbell.

Cut to INT. NIGHT
Loud dance music thumping through a spacious two-story house full of people. The camera lingers in the dimly-lit front room. Furniture has been pushed aside to create a makeshift dance floor. Shadowy figures are dancing, undulating, illuminated only by the glow sticks around their arms and necks and one girl’s shimmering disco-ball earrings.

The sound of the doorbell ringing is barely audible over the music.

GIRL(off-screen, screeching): J.P.! The door!

(doorbell rings again)

GIRL: J.P.! Get the damn door!

A tall, glow-sticked seventeen-year-old boy with shaggy hair and a beer in one hand breaks away from the dancing and moves towards the front door.

Cut to a flash of the red high heels on the door mat. The door opens.

J.P.’s face illuminated by the porch light, somewhat confused.

J.P.: Um, can I help you?

The high-heeled figure is finally revealed to be a short, chubby girl dressed as a devilled-egg. White trash bag with a yellow construction paper yolk pinned to her stomach, the red heels, red devil horns perched on top of her head, red lipstick and drawn on exaggerated black brows, and clutching a red plastic pitchfork in one hand. In the other hand she holds a white rat.

DEVILLED-EGG GIRL (meekly): I heard this was the costume party?

J.P.: Why do you have a . . . rodent?

DEVILLED-EGG GIRL: His name’s Al. He’s hungry.

J.P.: Come one.

J.P. and the Devilled-Egg girl step back inside. The camera follows them across the dance floor, weaving in and our of the crowd, through a pair of double doors, and into a brightly lit kitchen. Hannah, the girl with the disco-ball earrings, follows them. The camera scans the counters which are littered with empty liquor bottles, beer cans, half-guzzled hard lemonades, empty cereal bowls, dented pizza boxes, other party remnants. At the kitchen table four people sit playing scrabble. Hannah moves to stand over the table, looking down at the board.

HANNAH: I don’t think “goatwife” is a word.

Caroline, wearing a black slip and a coonskin cap, doesn’t turn away from the game.

CAROLINE: Shut the fuck up, Hannah.

J.P.: Are there any Apple Jacks left?

Caroline, still not turning away from the board, shoves the box of Apple Jacks into Hannah’s hands.

HANNAH: Um, thanks. (She hands the Apple Jacks to J.P. who proceeds to attempt to feed them to the rat.)

CAROLINE (muttering): Whore.

Camera glides away from the kitchen, through a hallway full of various couples in various stages of mating, through a screen door, and then outside onto the back porch where handsome, dark-haired boy, Dean, stands on a patio chair reciting Emily Dickinson before a small crowd of drunk party-goers. He wears a cardboard Burger King crown on his head.

DEAN (oratorically): We never know how high we are/ Till we are called to rise;/And then if we are true to plan/Our statures touch the skies!

Cut to close up shot of a boy (around nineteen)- Oli- gazing imperiously up at Dean, smoking a cigarette, eyebrows raised.

Cut back to Dean.

DEAN: The heroism we recite/Would be a daily thing . . .

Dean’s recitation overlaps a shot of Oli exhaling a trail of smoke rings.

back to . . .
DEAN:...Did not ourselves the cubits warp/ For fear to be a king. . . . Thank you.

A few people applause and holler. Dean sweeps off his Burger King crown and bows majestically.

Cut back to close up of. . .

OLI (with a slight drawl and a throaty smoker’s growl): My ma used to read me Emily Dickinson. Read it a helluva lot better than you.

Oli puff-puffs on his cigarette.
Dean sits down across from him.

DEAN: Your ma makes gingerbread houses for a living, right?

OLI: Yep.

DEAN: Couldn’t make it as a poet, eh? Was reduced to reciting her son bedtime poetry?

Oli, his face perfectly serene, puts his cigarette out on Dean’s forearm.

DEAN (high-pitched, jerking his arm back and massaging it): Jesus!

OLI: Oops.

Oli tosses the cigarette butt over his shoulder. The camera follows its arc. It lands in a girl’s lap. She picks it up, studies it, then turns away from her group of giggly friends to look over at Dean and Oli. She turns around to face them, straddling her chair.

GIRL: Got another one?

Dean saunters over to her. Pulls a pack from his back pocket. Grins as he hands her a cigarette and lights it for her.

DEAN: What’s your name?

GIRL: Gretchen.

DEAN: I want you.

Gretchen’s gaze moves over to a group of people standing on the corner of the patio, passing around a joint. Close up of Gretchen’s face as she exhales a stream of smoke.

GRETCHEN: My boyfriend’s that goofy-lookin’ one over there. The little one next to the tiki torch.

Their conversation fades out as the camera glides over to Gretchen’s boyfriend, Casey. He is short -- shorter than the tiki torch-- and wears tight cut-off shorts, a camouflage baseball cap, and no shirt. He is showing off his tattoos: the anarchy symbol on one hip and the outline of the state of Louisiana on the other. He speaks to the group in general.

CASEY: I’m gonna go train-hopping in about two weeks. Need to break it off with that bitch over there. (He slugs the boy next to him in the shoulder and chuckles) Wanna buy her off me?

There are hearty laughs all around that are suddenly disrupted by a blood-curdling scream. Everyone stops talking mid-sentence. The music thumps for a few more measures but then is abruptly shut off. Utter silence.

The camera begins to wind it’s way back through the house. Passing over Oli, frozen with a cigarette half-way to his mouth. Past the kissing couples in the hallway, through the kitchen where the scrabble players have finally been jerked away from their game. Through the double doors and onto the dance floor, where the confused dancers have stopped mid cha-cha. We see Hannah and J.P., frozen mid-slow dance, arms around each other. Close up on their petrified faces. The camera follows their gaze down to the floor. A trail of blood on the hardwood. The white rat’s dead, twitching body. Pan out to reveal Caroline, holding a bloody Swiss army knife.

CAROLINE: Sorry. I just can’t stand rodents.

She wipes the knife on her skirt. The girl dressed as a devilled-egg let’s out a pathetic moan (“Al!”) and faints.

Music resumes.

Fade to black.

freeze fears the toes: a semi-love song

2008-10-20T22:02:00.000-04:00

teach me your magic
(please please oh please)
there’s nothing i’d like better.
teach me the mysteries of the world
and how to knit a sweater.

teach me how your kisses
touch the intangible soul
and let me trace your neck
where your constellations make a mole.

let me connect your dots
and learn to trace your frown
and only let me sing you songs
when there’s nobody else around

teach me how your puzzle
fits together to make a heart
and let me work the jigsaw
let me be your missing part

teach me how your eyelids
draw maps with just a blink.
and teach me how follow them
‘cause I know less than I think.

teach me how your key
fits just-so into my lock
(it’s such a strange sensation
like re-learning how to walk)

and teach me how your parentheses
always form a smile
for just one paragraph of yours
i’d walk so many miles

you fascinate me!

2008-10-19T21:03:00.011-04:00

Our children may be like apathetic fish. Except that apathetic fish don't play the guitar.
(Kurt Vonnegut)

All writing is pigshit.
(Artaud)

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
(George Bernard Shaw)

My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music.
(Vladimir Nabakov)

At some point, the monster takes over.
(Thom Yorke)

I no longer limit myself.
(Karlheinz Stockhausen)

i see so many

2008-10-01T03:04:00.003-04:00

little boys I wanna marry

pity party

2008-09-25T21:19:00.007-04:00

but i just can't shake this off.

shake

shake it

like a

salt shaker.

LICE

2008-09-24T03:58:00.002-04:00

a screenwriting exercise for my screenwriter as a social critic class.

INT. DAY

Girl, OONA, sits at her vanity table in a rolling chair, brushing her long mane of goldenbrown curls. Smiling at herself in the mirror. She holds a handful of curls up to her nose and takes a deep whiff. She looks, to the average observer, like she should be in a hair commercial. In fact, she once was. She is watching it right now.

OONA spins in her chair, swirling around to face the television. We see Oona appear on screen, flipping and twirling her hair sexily. She is holding up a bottle of shampoo and the television screen reads: “GREEN TEA SHAMPOO- guaranteed to make your hair more lustrous, livelier, and sexier in just three shampoos or less!” Ooona beams a dazzling smile to her smiling television counterpart. Cut to . . .

INT. of a darkened bedroom.

The mild light from a street lamp filters in through the window, the only source of illumination. We hear OONA’S ragged breathing. She tosses and turns in the sheets. We can just make out her silhouette and the streetlamp softly illuminates her long, gorgeous mane of golden-blonde curls.

OONA is still for a moment- silence- and then there is an abrupt scratching sound. She is scratching her scalp. Pause. She scratches again. Pause. Again. Pause. Scratch. Pause. Vigorous scratch. Scratch, scratch, scratchscratchscratch! Her scratching becomes vicious. Suddenly she hurls herself out of bed, slams on the light switch, and scratches her scalp with furiously, twisting and shaking her head in agony.

CLOSE UP on OONA’s face, her eyes wide, her hair in disarray, her mouth open in a silent scream.

Montage Sequence:

CUT TO . . . extreme close up of what appears to be an insect crawling across a tight rope. . . camera pulls back to reveal that the insect is nestled in a nest of damp blonde hair. . . camera pulls back further and more of the bugs can be seen crawling around, weaving in and out of the strands of hair. They are approximately the size of red ants. Camera pulls back further to reveal that the infested scalp belongs to OONA, who is hanging her head upside down over the bathtub, two gigantic bottles of “DE-LICE Shampoo” next to her. She pours a handful of shampoo onto her scalp and begins to wash . . .

CUT TO . . . Ooona standing in front of the mirror, working a fine-toothed comb intently through her hair.

Close up on the comb: it is covered with crawling louse.

CUT TO. . . Oona scratching in line at the grocery store, in the back of her Comparative Literature 101 class, while driving her car . .. scratching with a spaghetti server. . . rubbing her head against the bark of a juniper tree. . .

She is in complete agony. She can’t stop itching.

Close up of Oona running her fingers through her hair, a shower of bugs fall out.

Cut to . . . Oona slathering her hair in vaseline.

Cut to . . . Oona attempting to get the greasy vaseline residue out of her hair with flour.

Cut to . . . Oona sitting on the sofa, watching television, her hair covered in mayonnaise beneath a clear shower cap.

Cut to . . . Oona with standing over the sink shaking her head. Camera swirls into the sink, which is positively crawling with louse. Oona looks up, sees her own reflection in the mirror. Beings to faint. . .

Cut to. . . Oona sprawled spread-eagle on the floor surrounded by all her failed remedies. She is unconscious, and begins twitching while she begins to dream. . .

The camera circles around Oona’s head, and out of her halo of curls lines of louse begin crawling out, arranged in single-file lines like soldiers. Their ranks grow larger and larger. The louse themselves grow larger and larger, until they would be obvious to the naked eye, as large as small scarab beetles, perhaps. The louse began to infest other people.

Shot of the louse crawling into a woman’s hair as she sleeps, infiltrating the scalps of a class of pre-schoolers during nap time, sneaking over the back of a sofa and onto a man’s head as he watches television.

Cut to . . . eight separate split-screen shots of various people itching, scratching, and trying to rid themselves of the head lice. Sounds of vigorous scratching. A few person’s scalps start to bleed they are scratching so furiously.

A newspaper spins into view with the headline “LICE EPIDEMIC STRIKES NATION: ‘SUPER LOUSE’ APPEAR UNSTOPPABLE”.

Cut to. . . EXT. suburban neighborhood. Complete chaos. Residents are running wild in the streets, scratching, tearing their hair out, rolling around on the ground. One man tries sticking his head under a lawn mower to rid himself of his agony. The louse (now the size of small rodents) continuing to swell in numbers. The camera spins and spins until . . .

Oona abruptly sits up, breathing hard. It was just a dream.

She gets up hurriedly and runs to the kitchen.

The sound of scissors.

We see locks of her hair and they fall around her feet. Curl after curl. Bodies of dead louse are visible within the strands.

The camera slowly rises up. Her head is covered only with random clumps of hair. She continues cutting closer and closer to the scalp until finally all that remains is a fine layer of golden stubble.

She lets the scissors fall to the floor.

Cut to Oona sitting on the couch, vacantly staring at the television. She is re-watching her shampoo commercial. She holds a lock of severed hair in her hand.

Tears are streaming down her face.

Somber music plays.

Fade to black.

The sound of scratching.

when I grow up

2008-09-22T21:00:00.003-04:00

i want to be mrs. robinson

manifest destiny & the imperialism of the heart

2008-09-19T16:45:00.004-04:00

two at a time

two for a dime

a rhyme for a kind glance

a penny for a second chance

i'll kiss your knees

if you promise to please

be my beekeeper

my honeymaker

my pollinator

my fornicator

my in-between

my up and down

my guide around town

my Cinderella frown

my teeter totter

my wishing well

my visit to Heaven

my sweet taste of Hell

i'll read you like my favorite book

and keep you in my favorite nook

I am a fish on your goldsilver hook

I am the tourist who doesn't know where to look

tease me

please me

twist and turn

jive and squirm

let's snuggle like worms

and sleep like logs

and eat like hogs

(i'll drink your soul

with a swirly straw)

and one or two

it's all you you you

& one two three

i am me me me

& two three four

give me more more more

my heart keeps expanding

to fit every particle

of you

within it.

18:9

2008-09-12T08:46:00.016-04:00

I will regret this sooner or later.
I already have, actually.
And yet I continue to inflict this awful form of self-punishment!
hehe

Brandon O'Miciah Burns

Virgo

Accomplishments: Being the biggest inside joke EVER. Having a big weiner. Taught me how to do Hindu squats. Longest time taken to make a turkey sandwich.

Cons: confusing as fuck. Al Burns. crybaby. Wears tool pants.

Tidbits: collects Pez containers. Is secretly into bestiality.

Eric Apollo Benick

Saggitaurius

Accomplishments: poet. having a nice fluffy ghetto booty. playing sexy music while kissing sternums.

Cons: has an insatiable desire to be more unique than anyone else. relentlessly pretentious hipster.

Tidbits: is probably gay. has a tatto of Proust on his left buttock.

Sean Thompson

Scorpio

Accomplishments: Being extraordinarily dumb. Toe rubbing.

Cons: he's really into gnarwhal.

Tidbits: he reminds me of an adorably retarted puppy. I think he might be holding his balls in this picture.

Stephen Curry

Gemini

Accomplishments: His penis is really as big as the beer can penis. SRSLY. trombone player in the Tower of Power!

Cons: he once described my skins as being as "soft as Crisco". what the hell. Was also into Tool.

Tidbits: can do a mean Scooby-Doo dance. Is flexible enough to give himself fellatio.

Thomas Anderson

Accomplishments: INCREDIBLE DRUMMER. beat boxing. planet tuning forks. good at giving sensual hugs.

Cons: too short. In more ways than one.

Tidbits: He gave me a copy of his cd, Capital Fresh. This one song consists of nothing but a jungle boogie beat and a girl making orgasm sounds for four minutes.

Oliver "Stoned to the Bone" Brian O'Hanlon

yep, I went there.

Accomplishments: the line "it said take a left at the next fork in the road/i saw two spoons and knife". soft lips. giving my brother perpetual shit. Nicknamed my cat "the roof lion".

Cons: his mouth tastes gross.

Tidbits: He likes Winnie-the-Pooh and baby angels.

Nick Holt aka "The Stallion"

Leo

Accomplishments: having no cartlidge in his nose. being endowed with, uh, stallion-like sexual apparatus. being arrested more times than I've read Ishmael.

Cons: he doesn't like PDA.

Tidbits: His mother was a lioness. Hence the mane. J.P. is secretly gay for him. Nick Holt is secretly gay for Oli. LOVE TRIANGLE

Sam Phillips

Aquarian

Accomplishments: Eloquence. The most extensive music taste EVER. "fact fiction friction"

Cons: Too skinny, even for my taste.

Tidbits: bred of conservative baptists and a goldminer. Is kind of girly and I kind of like it.

Benjamin "Fancy Pants" Goldsmith

Scorpio

Accomplishments: Gorgeous Jew nose. playing the theremin! good with his fingers.

Cons: too short. again, in more ways than one.

Tidbits: pierced nipple!!

Heath Ledger as the Joker.

I FUCKING WISH.

The mistake. But there are no mistakes. Only lessons.

Dan Brown
Sign Gemini-Taurus Cusp
Pros: he's a tiger; he may be the most beautiful on here

just look at those brown eyes.
Cons: playa playa playa

isn't he just fuckin' adorable?

yep. i never thought i would be such a mistakedy girl.
but he is awfully smart.
and another scorpio!

The Constitution

2008-08-31T18:45:00.003-04:00

This blawg shall be a chronicle of my adventures, encounters, and experiences at Hampshire College.

This blahg shall be a place for photos, philosophical musings, stories, interesting links, reflections, lists, poetry, interesting historical facts, ponderings, mazes, knock-knock jokes, rhymes, words, blurbs, and other assorted flotsam and jetsam.

This bulog shall be a place of peace, where we agree to disagree and are open to the perspective's of others.

This blog has no leader. It embraces anarchy.

This blog is a dumpster dive, full of treasures and trash alike.

This blog is not final or firm, everything written and expressed is subject to change.

This blog is interdisciplinary.

This blog will be ballin'.

enjoy. be happy. read. love. live. DANCE MUTHA FUCKERS DANCE.